Are you the parent of middle or high-schoolers? If so, I am sure there are days where you don’t recognize the young people who are sharing your home. There are moments when you are clinging to the memories of the sweet children who used to express their love for you throughout the day, wanted to be around you constantly, who smelled of sugar and spice and everything nice. Right?
On those days and in those moments when you are dealing with these familiar strangers, how does a parent cope with the explosive and dismissive young people that their sweet young children has morphed into? You’re probably seeing behaviors such as refusal to do what you ask, denial that you’ve ever agreed on anything, had “you just don’t get it!” hurled at you in moments of growing tension, insults, mocking, door slamming, crying, and more. It’s hard, I know!
Listed below are thoughts that might help on those toughest of days:
Remember that you are the parent.They don’t need your friendship. What they need from you is a mentor who is calm and compassionate, and who acts as a moral and social compass, and who can be their soft place to land when they need it.
No matter how heated the situation is or how frustrated you are, remain calm.If you need to take a break so you can de-stress then do so. In the midst of an angry argument, it’s awfully hard to respond rationally. Take a walk, take a breath, then come back when it’s easier to think clearly and the situation has cooled down.
Just like anyone else, teens want to be seen and to know that they are heard.Be the safe person that your children can turn to. You don’t need to agree with what they are saying, you just need to give them a chance to talk openly, to express their ideas, to be a sounding board. Recognize when it’s best if you talk less and listen more. These are important opportunities.
Respect boundaries and give them room to make mistakes.They’re going to need and demand increasing privacy and autonomy, so give them the chance to make decisions where they can try out their own ideas, even if you don’t think they’ll be successful in whatever it is they’re working on. While they’re still at home and under your protective and watchful eye, let them stretch and make mistakes. This is part of learning to make good judgments.
Be a good role-model.Recognize that your teens are always watching you. They always have been and they’re not stopping now that they’re racing towards young adulthood. Model the behavior that you want to see in them. Be trustworthy, kind, generous. Show compassion, work hard, express good values. You get the idea.
Make your expectations clear and be consistent when household rules are broken.And while you’re at it, catch them doing something right! It’s too easy to fall into the habit of constantly pointing out where they’ve gone wrong or correcting their behavior. Make it a point to praise the good! Doing so will help to build their feelings of competency.
Let’s face it, parents don’t always know best and don’t always do everything right.We’re human…we make mistakes. Admit your own confusion, your mistakes, your mis-steps. Apologize when needed, and show your children that you too, are trying to make your way through this life the best you can.
Humor and distractionare the great de-stressors when the going gets tough AND they are the best de-escalators in heated situations.
Schedule family time, away from screens and tech, together, even if you come up against some opposition. The benefits to all of you are long-lasting and memories will be made.
